One year ago today, Nate and
I sat in the lobby of Northwestern Memorial Hospital as I calmly called my
parents asking them to bring my half-packed hospital bag. Preparing for a
surprise arrival a few weeks prior I had packed a bag with a list of additional
items I would need to add once the time arrived. And the time had arrived.
As my mom frantically ran
around our condo grabbing the additional items on the list Nate and I just sat
patiently waiting. Remember, we were in no hurry – need a memory boost check
out the birth story here.
On April 2, 2012 we were
scared, excited, nervous . . . but
once JD was born . . . we were happy.
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| A few hours old strong, stable, and ready to charm some NICU nurses |
The memories remain crisp in
my mind a year later. I close my eyes and remember a calm feeling hugging me
throughout the night. As my mom peacefully rested on the pull out bed next me I
was wide-awake. It was the first time since January 3, 2012 I was able to
breathe a comforting breath. Finally, I was not worried or concerned. My smile
lasted all night long but sleep did not come easy for me. A mix of fluctuating
hormones (comes with giving birth) and the love I felt when I saw my perfect little
James Douglas kept me up all night long. Sleep escaped me but my thoughts did
not. In the middle of my insomnia I began writing. Some of it I shared in the
blog but some of it I kept for just JD and me. After a year of growth and
strength there is one piece I wanted to share.
*****************
4/3/12 – 2:50am
Finally, I can see it. Our future. From the moment I realized Nate was
“The One” I had a clear, HD vision of our future. I saw everything from our
wedding to our marriage to our kids to our family trips to high school and
college for our children to their weddings to our grandchildren . . . basically
I could see our everything. Then, January 3rd, 2012 arrived and my
HD vision turned blurry, snowy, and old school TV antenna grey. I could not see
anything. I did not know what would happen to our family. Would we ever go on
family trips? Would our children ever be close as siblings? Would our friends
pull away from us leaving us alone? Or worst of all would we even have two
children by the end of the year?
It was upsetting and scary. I pushed through the final months of my
pregnancy straining to see through the bleak, hazy darkness.
However, today I sit here unable to sleep so excited
my little boy has arrived. I am finally starting to get a clearer picture. It is more 1970s Technicolor than HD at
this point but I am finally getting an idea of what our new future will be. I
see Connor as the big brother who wants nothing more than to make his little
brother smile. I see Connor proudly smiling at his brother in the stands as he
dominates whichever sport he chooses. And I see Connor coming home from college
with a college sweatshirt especially for JD.
Fast forward a year and I see JD winning his first
medal at the Special Olympics (I don’t even know if they give out medals but in
my future they do) with his biggest and loudest fan, Connor, cheering him on in
the stands. I see more family trips than I imagined watching the kids swim in
the ocean and meeting Mickey and horseback riding on a Dude Ranch. I see the
same happy family as I did in my previous future with a few tweaks.
It is not fully HD as of yet (JD was born less then
24 hours ago I need some time) but the vision is becoming clear and I know
there is a strong future for the Gawels, family of four.
*****************
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| One day old rockin' the premie pacifier - seriously, that is the smallest one they had |
A year later my vision is
much stronger. Honestly, some days are more in focus than others but that is to
be expected with life in general.
A year later we continue to
focus on the positive and leave the negative behind.
A year later there are more
laughs and less tears.
A year later we swell with
pride as we talk about JD
A year later I no longer
worry about what people think about JD but rather I find ways to tell more
people about him.
A year later we watch as
Connor has taken on the strong, protective big brother role with a sibling love
much greater than I imagined
A year later we would not
change one thing about our family.
A year later the song “For
Good” from Wicked floats through my
head each morning when I look at JD. My favorite lyrics:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I know you...
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I know you...
I have been changed for good
Happiest of Happy 1st
Birthdays to our love James Douglas Gawel!
A year in review with JD
