Happy, Happy Birthday James Douglas: One Year Later

One year ago today, Nate and I sat in the lobby of Northwestern Memorial Hospital as I calmly called my parents asking them to bring my half-packed hospital bag. Preparing for a surprise arrival a few weeks prior I had packed a bag with a list of additional items I would need to add once the time arrived. And the time had arrived.

As my mom frantically ran around our condo grabbing the additional items on the list Nate and I just sat patiently waiting. Remember, we were in no hurry – need a memory boost check out the birth story here.

On April 2, 2012 we were scared, excited, nervous  . . . but once JD was born . . . we were happy. 

A few hours old strong, stable, and ready to charm some NICU nurses

 

The memories remain crisp in my mind a year later. I close my eyes and remember a calm feeling hugging me throughout the night. As my mom peacefully rested on the pull out bed next me I was wide-awake. It was the first time since January 3, 2012 I was able to breathe a comforting breath. Finally, I was not worried or concerned. My smile lasted all night long but sleep did not come easy for me. A mix of fluctuating hormones (comes with giving birth) and the love I felt when I saw my perfect little James Douglas kept me up all night long. Sleep escaped me but my thoughts did not. In the middle of my insomnia I began writing. Some of it I shared in the blog but some of it I kept for just JD and me. After a year of growth and strength there is one piece I wanted to share.

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4/3/12 – 2:50am

Finally, I can see it. Our future.  From the moment I realized Nate was “The One” I had a clear, HD vision of our future. I saw everything from our wedding to our marriage to our kids to our family trips to high school and college for our children to their weddings to our grandchildren . . . basically I could see our everything. Then, January 3^rd, 2012 arrived and my HD vision turned blurry, snowy, and old school TV antenna grey. I could not see anything. I did not know what would happen to our family. Would we ever go on family trips? Would our children ever be close as siblings? Would our friends pull away from us leaving us alone? Or worst of all would we even have two children by the end of the year?  It was upsetting and scary. I pushed through the final months of my pregnancy straining to see through the bleak, hazy darkness.

However, today I sit here unable to sleep so excited my little boy has arrived. I am finally starting to get a clearer picture.  It is more 1970s Technicolor than HD at this point but I am finally getting an idea of what our new future will be. I see Connor as the big brother who wants nothing more than to make his little brother smile. I see Connor proudly smiling at his brother in the stands as he dominates whichever sport he chooses. And I see Connor coming home from college with a college sweatshirt especially for JD.

Fast forward a year and I see JD winning his first medal at the Special Olympics (I don’t even know if they give out medals but in my future they do) with his biggest and loudest fan, Connor, cheering him on in the stands. I see more family trips than I imagined watching the kids swim in the ocean and meeting Mickey and horseback riding on a Dude Ranch. I see the same happy family as I did in my previous future with a few tweaks.

It is not fully HD as of yet (JD was born less then 24 hours ago I need some time) but the vision is becoming clear and I know there is a strong future for the Gawels, family of four.

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One day old rockin' the premie pacifier - seriously, that is the smallest one they had

A year later my vision is much stronger. Honestly, some days are more in focus than others but that is to be expected with life in general.

A year later we continue to focus on the positive and leave the negative behind.

A year later there are more laughs and less tears.

A year later we swell with pride as we talk about JD

A year later I no longer worry about what people think about JD but rather I find ways to tell more people about him.

A year later we watch as Connor has taken on the strong, protective big brother role with a sibling love much greater than I imagined

A year later we would not change one thing about our family.

A year later the song “For Good” from Wicked floats through my head each morning when I look at JD. My favorite lyrics:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I know you...

I have been changed for good

Happiest of Happy 1^st Birthdays to our love James Douglas Gawel!

 A year in review with JD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Profile of a Handsome Boy – Part 2

Recap – Initially in the NICU the cardiac team explained JD potentially had an ASD, VSD, Aorta Coarctation, and Pulmonary Stenosis (need to jog your memory check out Medical Jargon and JDMedical Updates). And yet, JD pulled away with only one  - ASD, the least complex of the list. Surgery would be planned around 2 years old if the hole had not closed on its own. Waiting 2 years allows the ASD to close without intervention. After 2 years of age it is less likely the hole will close without surgery.

Refresher – Atrial Septal Defect (ASD) is a congenital heart defect in which the wall that separates the upper heart chambers (atria) does not close completely. Many times an ASD is considered minor as it can close on it’s own or people can live a long, healthy life with a small ASD. As the Cardiologist grandfather of one of our NICU buddies said “if you are going to have a heart thing an ASD is the one you want.”

History – During our cardiology appointment in September 2012 the ECHO showed JD’s ASD was not growing yet not getting any smaller. As he was growing it was growing proportionally with him. At that time they noticed higher pressures on the right side of his heart. The original surgery timeframe moved up from 2 years old to around his first birthday with a few checks in-between.

Present – In January, we had a follow-up ECHO with the cardiologist. Once again, the hole is growing proportionally with him. During the ECHO the doctor pointed out JD almost has what is called a common atrium – meaning he almost has no wall separating the two sides of the heart.

What does that mean? With a hole (large or small) there is a risk of the blood from the right side of the heart flowing directly to the left side of the heart without getting oxygen from the lungs. The diagram below may help for those who are more of the visual type. I am currently hording this information in my head and I need to relieve my brain. Science geeks this one if for you. . .

The blood in need of oxygen comes into the heart through the right atrium down to the right ventricle and out to the lungs to “fuel up” with oxygen. Once the blood is all pumped up it goes back to the heart through the left atrium down to the left ventricle then out to the body. In JD’s case some of the blood in need of oxygen comes into the right atrium and immediately flows to the left atrium down the left ventricle then out to the body without fueling up with oxygen. As you can imagine it’s not ideal having non-oxygenated blood flowing back into the body.

The larger the hole is, the more the blood can escape from the right side to the left side without fueling up in the lungs. I will say it again, JD’s hole is extremely large.

Cardiac Catherazation – Coming out of the cath lab we would be faced with 3 different paths.

1-    The pressures in the heart and lungs would be fine or slightly elevated allowing the surgeons to close the hole completely at a later date.

2-    The pressures in the heart and lungs would be elevated to a point where the blood would still need an outlet. Therefore, they would close the ASD but leave a controlled hole to relieve some of the pressure.

3-    The pressures in the heart and lungs would be extremely elevated resulting in potentially serious complications if the ASD was closed.

Prior to the cath, Dr. Cardiology believed it would likely be scenario #2 allowing the surgeon to safely close the hole while leaving a small outlet for the pressure to escape.

Bonus News: Similar to the Ying & Yang of the cleft and his breathing, JD has once again created an advantageous balance. JD’s large atrium hole in the heart has created a passageway to help alleviate additional pressure buildup. Without that outlet the pressure could have potentially elevated to dangerous levels. Little munchkins are absolutely amazing.

Breaking News: After the cardiac cath lab we received updated news from the doctors. I must admit I was hoping the doctors would come back with straightforward slam-dunk information. Either all systems go for the heart surgery or let’s put the breaks on the surgery. However, as in life, the answers were as clear as the Chicago River.

The cardiac cath lab showed the pressures in his heart and lungs were good, the Pulmonary Value was fine and the overall function was strong. Actually, the picture looked better than the doctors originally imagined. Given this information, surgery to close his ASD would be very straightforward and very doable. There are still many risks with open-heart surgery (which is what this would be) but not doing the surgery leaves JD open to many more risks throughout his life. I wish that was the end, the last period. More pros in the surgery column with a long list of cons in the no surgery column.  BUT . . . there is always a but.

While the surgery itself would be straightforward (baring any surprises) the “aftermath,” as the doctor called it, would be a bit more challenging. During surgery he would have to be on a ventilator to give his lungs assistance breathing. Given JD’s medical complexities weaning off the vent can sometimes take a few days. The longer on the vent the lazier the lungs can get (just like me when I skip the gym for a few days . . .okay months) making it harder to breathe on their own. This can then lead to a host of other issues which is too exhausting to think about.

Now our list of pros and cons for surgery vs. no surgery is starting to even out making the decision more difficult. Not that any decision to have your child undergo surgery is easy but when the pros stack up on one list it makes the decision a tad easier.

Over the next few weeks we will meet with the doctors to discuss in further detail our options and what it means for JD. Our goal from day one is to ensure JD has the longest, happiest, most comfortable life we can give him.  From the beginning Nate and I have vowed to go into each decision with no regrets. Some may (and have) question our choices but until a parent is faced with the toughest questions ever asked of them please support any path God leads us down.

Keep the prayers, love, smiles, and support coming for JD. Our little superhero continues to astound the world.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day – my favorite American-made holiday.

Day started with his first ever bowl of Lucky Charms and green milk - celebrationist at work

We then had brunch with our besties for Veronica's 3rd birthday, our yearly tradition

Always have to make our way to an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day

Great Grandpa Nolan's Irish cap

My two Irish lads

Tradition states everyone gets a turn with Great Grandpa Nolan's cap

I'm classy but I'm tough

Stay tuned for Part 3 coming soon . . .

Profile of a Handsome Boy – Part 1

Quick Note: This will be the first post of a 4 part series profiling JD.

When you hear the number 13 what is your first thought? Unlucky, right? Even if you don’t believe in luck you still think about 13 as this strange number everyone should avoid. Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 – this is medically documented fear. Most tall buildings throughout the U.S. skip right past the number 13 taking you from 12 to 14. If fact, JD’s NICU was on the 14^th floor at Lurie’s Children’s Hospital yet there was no number 13 on the elevator so technically it was the 13^th floor. We even had friends who considered waiting a year to have a baby because they did not want their child’s birthday to have the year 2013. Crazy huh?

Well, I don’t buy. Big whoop. 13 is just another number. I find it be an ugly number (1 and 3 together – ugh….ly). I much prefer even numbers. With all that I said, I do not find 13 to be scary or unlucky . . . at least until this year.

We are officially 11 weeks into 2013 and we have spent at least one day (if not more) each week working through some medical occurrence regarding JD.

The year began with confirmation the hole in is heart is, as Connor would say, big and big and BIG (more on that). Followed by a bumpy ambulance drive down Lake Shore Drive for our first hospital stay of the year (unfortunately, not our last) due to RSV. With seizures, an intense blister leading to an ER visit, random colds, EEGs, heart tests, therapies, and follow-up doctor’s appointments I am beginning to believe all the hype around that ridiculous number. People are trying to get rid of the penny maybe we should get rid of the number 13.

As I have spent more time discussing JD and his medical complexities with new and old doctors I realized . . . this is confusing stuff. With that in mind I have decided to create a profile of this handsome little man of ours. We will start at the head and work our way down to the toes. I will do my best to keep it top line . . .but lets be honest these will be long. Sit back with a glass (actually it will take a bottle) of wine, put on a fresh pot of coffee, and some yoga pants as you read the profile from the noggin to the tootsies of this handsome little boy.

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The Noggin (Head)

From the front, JD’s head is perfectly round and adorable. However, the back of his head, while still adorable is not perfectly round. After many months lying on his back in the NICU plus not being cleared for tummy time until he was almost 4 months old and the lack of full neck support his head has become flat on the left side.

In December, JD had a Starscan, a machine which takes a 3D image of his head, to create and mold a custom helmet. The helmet has space in the back to keep JD off his head while he is lying down allowing it to grow. When kids are on their heads for too long it can effect how their heads mature by restricting growth.

Good news: His head is only mildly flat. In order to qualify for a helmet JD needed to fall within a range of “numbers” (calculated from the Starscan); he barely fell within that range. The process usually takes an average of 4 months of 23 hours/day helmet wearing but JD tends to grow a little bit slower so he may be rockin’ the head protection for a bit longer. Although, his numbers tell us we have less work to do. In the coming weeks we will be adding some bling to the helmet so stay tuned for the designer version. 

 

The Noodle (Brain)

JD’s seizure activity was explained in great detail in the previous post. Two weeks ago, our 6 hour EEG went well as the doctors were able to extract the data they needed to gather some answers. During the EEG it was my job to push a button anytime I saw seizure or questionable activity. During review of the data some of the events were in fact seizures while others were not. Judging from the doctor’s reaction we have nothing to worry about at this time. Keeping the seizure activity in check is key for upcoming surgeries. As of now, the doctors “see no brain reason not to move forward with surgery.” She actually said, “Neurology can be lower on your list of concerns.”

Good News: Dr. Neurology continues to be impressed with JD’s health, his growth and his reflexes. Stay the course is the prescription from the doctors. He will continue to receive the same dose of his seizure meds (very low dose of a “light” seizure medication – there are some meds which are very intense with powerful side effects, lucky that is not necessary for JD at this time). 

Snuggles at our 6 hour EEG

The Windows to the Soul (Eyes)

Let’s be honest, there is nothing cuter than a little kid with glasses.  And I have the hipster glasses along with a fedora all picked out for JD  . . . if he needs them. Wolf-Hirschhorn puts JD at a higher risk for glaucoma and vision problems. At this point we are only being followed by ophthalmology to remain ahead of any future problems. Every 2 – 4 months we have an appointment with the corky Dr. Ophthalmology to check out JD’s eyes and test his eye pressure (glaucoma test).

Good News: Thus far things are positive and his eyes are not a concern. His pressures are within normal range and his vision seems to be okay for now. With his therapies he is tracking well with his eyes and enjoying watching his brother fly to infinity and beyond – over and over and over again. Once a day for 30 minutes we patch his left eye to help strengthen his slightly droopy right eyelid. A droopy eyelid can effect vision in the future but as of now there are no issues with his right eye.

Currently, we are just waiting and watching so I guess I will hold off on the baby Ray Bans.

Look deep into my eyes

The Sound Canal (Ears)

Babies are administered a test to screen hearing shortly after birth. If a child fails the newborn hearing screen they will be given a second more in-depth hearing test called an ABR. JD failed the first test twice during his NICU stay. Now . . .  I have never received a failing grade in my life; however, I do not blame JD seeing as he had 4½ less weeks to study due to being born early. 

After the failed hearing screens the powers that be tried the next level of testing, an ABR – twice - while in the NICU. Nope, no good. He needed to remain asleep for the duration of the test but alas he was partying. Therefore, we waited until we were outpatient. The results were updated in the October post.

Bottom line: JD has some hearing loss meaning he can hear but at lower tones. It’s obvious he knows my voice and Nate’s voice and Connor’s voice as he will turn to watch us when we speak. The previous next steps were to place tubes in his ears, test with another ABR, and reassess. However, due to the new seizure activity as well as his heart complexities (will discuss more in the heart section) the tubes are on the backburner for now.

JD is relieved given Connor’s passion for loud singing while playing his guitar or drums.

What'd you say? I cannot hear you over my big brother

The Cleft Palate (Mouth)

From the outside JD’s mouth is small and perfect but from the inside it’s all one big open area. As mentioned in the Medical Jargon section a cleft palate occurs when the roof of the mouth is not completely closed. On occasion both the lip and the palate can be cleft or just the lip or just the palate. In JD’s case it is only the palate but not the lip.

An individual with a cleft palate can learn to use a specialized bottle prior to surgery. Unfortunately for our little man due to his recessed chin, high risk for aspiration, and early-on neck restrictions we were unable to push the bottle as aggressively as we would have liked. We tried and had a few bright moments of success but with his many other medical obstacles we felt it would be counter-productive to his progress.

Normally they look to fix a cleft palate around a year of age. JD was on track to have the palate fixed shortly after his first birthday; however, with the addition of his seizures, the upcoming open heart surgery (more on that in the heart section) and the fact he breathes through his cleft into his nose the cleft repair has been pushed down on the list of priorities. For us, this is not a concern as he gets 100% of his nutrition from his G-Tube and he is growing at a good rate.

Bonus News: For all of JD’s medical complexities he was put together perfectly. Having a small, recessed chin pulls the tongue to the back of the mouth restricting the airway. Many children with JD’s chin would have already had jaw distraction surgery due to major breathing issues . . . but not JD. His cleft palate created a new airway for JD allowing him to breathe with ease in spite of his recessed chin. Balance is what this kid is – Ying & Yang

This is the biggest smile you will get out of me while I am in a duck towel

The Chinny Chin Chin (Micrognathia)

As we sat waiting to see the doctor at our 20-week ultrasound, Nate and I stared at the profile picture quietly pondering the exaggerated overbite. It was the first sign something was amiss. Just a few moments later Dr. OBGYN would tell us about the other anomalies in the ultrasound thus starting our journey.

Confession: In the beginning, I was nervous about JD’s future appearance. I was concerned a recessed chin would enhance the difference in JD’s appearance. That was before he was born. Once I saw him I feel in love with that chin. When we fix the cleft palate we will have to fix the chin as well. Fixing the cleft with close what we believe to be a strong airway for JD so we will need to pull his chin forward to open the airway in the back of this mouth.

Additional Confession: I am very sad about pulling his chin forward. I love it. It shows off his cheeks with no distractions. Once again, our prenatal fears for JD disappeared once he joined the world.

The recessed chin is also a concern for breathing when he goes under anesthesia. Leading up to his cardiac cath they were very concerned about his breathing while being sedated and the team was all set to use a breathing tube (a tube in and of itself can be a problem). I know I sound like an annoying broken record but JD proved everyone wrong. He was breathing so well they did not intubate him. This kid is a miracle. 

Big cheeks make up for a small chin

The Tilt (Neck)

Recap -- JD was born with his C1 and C2 vertebrae out of line (his cervical spine was kinked). From day 3 of life he has worn a soft collar to help keep his bones and muscles straight as they grow. Amazingly the makeshift soft collar allowed his neck to strengthen and straighten over the past 11 months.  At our last x-ray the doctor was so pleased he now only wears the collar at night or in the car.

Good News: Discussion of neck fusion surgery has been pushed to the bullpen. We work on strengthening his neck everyday as he pushes to hold his head up all on his own.

Just taking a break from working on my neck

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**That was a long one. Hope it only took one bottle.

A Heart Shaped EEG

On Valentine’s Day you may have noticed every mom posted some adorable picture of their child in/with some Pinterest craft, shirt, pose, or food. I too wanted to post something stunning to make the Facebook world say “oh she saw that on Pinterest – it looked much cuter on Pinterest.” But alas my Valentine’s dreams of taking cute Pinterest worthy pictures of my boys decked out in red as homemade glitter hearts fall from the sky came to a screeching halt. Instead I spent 5 hours at Lurie Children’s Hospital walking from the EEG center to the doctor’s office to the labs to the pharmacy all while carrying a baby carrier and two bags with no stroller (that was my fault). Let me backup a few months . . .

Imagine large glitter hearts falling from the sky and some cute photoshopped saying about love and Valentine's Day

As we began our research on Wolf-Hirschhorn back in early 2012 one of the things that struck as scary were the possibility of seizures. 90% of kids with WHS have seizures yet every family we know, through the support group, has a child who has had at least one seizure. Therefore, our research tells us 100% of children have seizures.

Just like everything else we have anticipated with WHS we expected JD’s future seizures were going to be the Hollywood afterschool special version. Very intense with a long ambulance ride and extremely traumatic for all of us. But in true JD fashion he eased into his seizures with swagger.

Please know I am in no way downplaying the severity of seizure activity. They can be very scary, very dangerous, and very harmful . . . yet, for us, as we do we with everything else JD encounters along his journey, we find the positive side to the story. It is a blessing he eased into his seizures and for that we are very grateful.

Around 5 months JD started to slightly jerk or twitch or blink at random times throughout the day. No pattern just a little twitch here or a few head shakes there maybe a couple of eye blinks to top it off. So, I added it to my list of questions for Dr. D and pushed it aside.

(sidenote: I go in with no less than 9 questions each visit to which he usually says “let’s start off with your questions and go from there.” If I used hashtags I would say something like #howtodealwithatypeAorganizedmomwhospent8yearsinadvertisingtryingtostayaheadofpotentialproblems  . . .but I don’t use hashtags)

September: The wonderful pediatrician Dr. D was not overly concerned but had a conversation with the head of Neurology at Lurie’s (only the A Team for JD). Dr. Neurology (figured it easier to call them by their specialty rather than their name) wanted to do another EEG (JD had a baseline EEG during his NICU stay). This way she could compare any difference between the two. We ended up doing the EEG as an inpatient when JD was in the hospital overnight back in September. As we were being discharged Dr. Neurology breezed by with a thumbs up telling me his EEG looked good. Ooooookay, now what?

October: The jerking and blinking continued with more frequency and some patterns. It was agreed with D. D we would see Dr. Neurology in person without another EEG. The initial EEGs were done when he is sleeping and at the time JD was not displaying this activity during restful periods. Rather than sit through another EEG only to receive another thumbs up we wanted Dr. Neurology to see him in person. The meeting went well and it was confirmed this was not seizure activity. She felt it was spinal cord immaturity and reflexes to external or internal stimulus. It should also be noted his reflux issue was getting worse around this time which we believed contributed to much of the blinking.

January: Over time the jerking slowed and throughout the month of January disappeared. However, we were now at 9 months when seizures start to show themselves leaving Nate and I playing the fever game. Reverse any increase in body temperature immediately. JD usually feels warm to the touch but hangs out at high 97 or low 98 degrees so anytime he gets into 99 we went into to full-blown management mode.

What does a fever have to do with seizures? From what we have read about the other families in the group almost every first seizure and those after are preceded by a fever. We felt if we could keep the fevers at bay then maybe we could keep his seizures away  . . . at least for a little while. Those of you who know us know we are naive. From day one Nate and I knew JD would in fact, have seizures.

The science geeks out there will love this – they (they being scientists and researchers) have done research where they think they can isolate the segment within the 4^th chromosome that can control seizure activity. Therefore, if that segment is missing seizure activity will be hard to avoid. And you guessed it JD is missing that segment . . . along with many, many other segments. Whether or not the research is correct does not matter. Nate and I always knew JD would have seizures. We are Preppers not the crazy Doomsday type Preppers, but we like to be prepared.

February: During the first week in February JD’s jerking activity got worse. One day in early February he jerked, twitched, and cried on and off for 30 minutes. Yet, his oxygen levels were still good. One of the most important things is to ensure he does not have a lack of oxygen during a seizure. At that point I was not even sure it was a seizure because he had been jerking and twitching a lot in the recent days. Instead of calling the doctor I managed it myself. I hooked him up to his oxygen and his monitor and sat rocking him until he settled down. During his jerking activity I recorded the event to show Dr. D as we had an appointment the following week.

In hindsight I should have called Dr. D at that time but I do not want to be “that mom” who calls for ridiculous things. I prided myself on not being that mom with Connor so I don’t want to be that mom with JD. (Confession: One time I called Dr. D when Connor was 9 months old because he ate a fly. I have regretted it every day since). After this seizure event Dr. D has reassured me that even if and I quote “JD farts the wrong way” I am allowed to call the office and no one will think twice.

Over the next few days he continued to jerk and twitch a bit but he never had another long spell. When I showed the video to Dr. D he ordered us up another EEG ASAP. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and Nate was out of town when they called to tell me JD’s EEG was the following day. I was instructed to keep JD awake until midnight then wake him up at 4am  . . . oh, so part of the test includes a tired and nervous sleep-deprived mother as well as a sleep deprived patient. Got it!

While Valentine’s Day might not have included some Pinterest gem it did include spending time with two handsome little boys and one hot husband.

 

The outcome of our third EEG: Houston, we have seizure activity. 

I am so tired, please let me sleep

Thank goodness I have no hair or it would be even less fun taking off the tape

All these wires and I still look damn good

Good News: JD’s background EEG (baseline) has not disintegrated meaning his brain is producing the jerking movements but when he is not seizing his brainwaves return to normal. In fact, Dr. Neurology believes these are Myoclonic seizures, which are not as severe as febrile seizures.

Before you ask, yes these can and most likely will turn into big, bad seizures at some point. However, as I mentioned before, in true JD laizzez faire fashion we had no huge dramatic experience where we had to call an ambulance and fight for answers. Alternatively, JD eased us into the “scary” world of seizures with class. Dr. Neurology also told me he was the healthiest looking kid she had seen in a long time and he looked stronger than the last time she saw him. JD just looked at her and said, “obviously.”

We have now finished our first week of seizure medicine and have seen improvements with his jerking and twitching. Next week we go back for a 6 hour video EEG to discuss further options and issues. But for now JD uses the few jolts here and there to force me to take a pause during our workout therapy sessions.

Warning: the next post will be long as but very informative.

The Announcement Email: One Year (and a few days) Later

We are back. Gosh, I really enjoy writing this blog but thus far in 2013 Time has not been my friend. However, who needs Time as a friend when I have so many other wonderfully supportive friends (unlike Time).

When we first received JD’s diagnosis I read many, many, many blogs from families all over with all sorts of diagnosis. While each family, child, situation was different there was a similar thread which ran through most of the stories . . . it is lonely to be a mom of a child with special needs. Hmmmm, “why?” I wondered.

Do people pull away once they hear the words “special needs?” Are they uncomfortable around you? Do your friends and family stop talking to you because they don’t think you can handle hearing about their children? Do people judge you for being happy with what the world and society may deem an “imperfect child?” Why do moms feel so alone once the words special needs come into their lives? These were questions which weighed heavily on me everyday  . . .  that is until we sent out our announcement email.

There were a total of 43 days between the time we first heard the word “abnormality” and when we introduced JD’s syndrome to our world. During those 43 days only 7 people knew the Gawel family path had taken an unexpected turn.

During that time we attended birthday parties, family gatherings, the holidays, even my beautiful grandmother’s funeral with the full family in attendance without anyone knowing the difference. Questions were asked “are you excited” “do you think the baby is a boy or a girl” “how are you feeling” “is Connor excited to be a big brother?” With ease we answered each question with a smile but our smile lacked a sparkle (no one noticed but we did). Would these willing participates in JD’s life still be around once we told them JD was missing his full set of chromosomes? Would the tight hugs get a little softer and less frequent once JD’s future was revealed? According to many of the blogs and stories I had read the answer would be “yes.”

The day came to send out the email announcing James Douglas to our friends and family. We had waited long enough. I was ridiculously nervous. Not only because I was worried what people would think but once we told people Wolf-Hirschhorn would became real.

It was a Sunday night, Nate was in bed and I read the email and the first blog post over and over and over again until the words melted together. I waited to hit the send button until I could no longer keep my eyes open. After I finally hit the button I sat on the sofa waiting to feel relief or scared or nerves or something . . . then the text message on my phone dinged. While the EST and CST were snuggled in their beds the PST were doing their last checks of the Internet before heading off to bed. Darn – forgot about the west coast feed. Yet, within two minutes of sending that late night email on January 28, 2012 I received my first words of encouragement from my fabulous west coast friend Sara. That was all I needed to head to bed.

By the next morning before the world was awake I already had 20 emails waiting to give me virtual hugs. The emails, comments, calls, and love started flowing and have not stopped. I quickly realized it was preposterous of me to think I would have anything but supportive people in my life. How selfish of me not to give my friends and family enough credit to know they would not care if JD was lacking part of a chromosome. In fact, everyone seemed even more excited to meet the little man. Let’s be honest, with a second pregnancy people are happy for you but it is not as exciting as the first one (sorry 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, etc children but it is true – you just don’t have time to be as focused). However, JD gave the second pregnancy a boost to keep people interested (almost like a Hollywood film – see I was destined to be a film director).

All my concerns about being a lonely mom vanished. In fact, JD has opened the door to more important people in our lives then ever before. I am blessed to say I am not a lonely mom of a special needs child. I am a loved mom of two amazing little boys who has more friends today then I did on January 28, 2012.

Sidenote: Apologies for a lack of blog entries over the past month. 2013 has started off quite busy and somewhat rough . . . but JD is doing better (he was under the weather) and the snow is melting. There are lots of wonderful things to update in the upcoming months so stay tuned for more entries about JD – less fluffy stuff I promise but I needed to get one more out. 

Who could be lonely with these two faces